J-ZONE’S ANTI-HOLIDAY MASS TEXT TIRADE
Some of you have seen this rant from me via myspace or e-mail in the previous two years, and as long as I keep getting holiday mass texts, this will surface at this time every year. I don’t like repeating myself. I really really don’t. I only do that when a first attempt at sending a message doesn’t go through…you know, like when you attempt to send a text message to somebody and it fails so you resend? Exactly…
The Holiday season is now in full swing, and you know what that means to me. My enemy is in full attack mode. No, not the long lines in Wal-Mart, not Black Friday or that ubiquitous crap Christmas Music (somebody play the Death Row Christmas album for once), but holiday-related mass text messages. Its no secret that disingenuous social contact and holidays are two things that I equate with the likes of rabies and bed bugs, so it would make sense that the SARS-like combination impersonal mass text messaging and holiday cheer around this time of year is subject to croak me one day. The "triflin trifecta" of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years never fails to provide you with proof of who really shouldn’t have your phone number.
First off, anybody that takes one specific day to acknowledge or do something is a little queer in my book. There’s 365 days in a year, and if you’re only thankful, giving or adhering to a "resolution" on one of the days, you need help. It’s kind of like being a spread eagle homewrecking ho all week, then going to church on Sunday. I don’t celebrate any of the above because I’m evil most of the time, but when I want to give thanks, give a gift or set a goal, I’m not looking at the calendar. That said, I hate holidays. I also think you should learn to contact folks directly when you think of them. Yeah it takes time, but it was never a problem before text messaging, and its part of why genuine social protocol has gone down the toilet these days. Having somebody’s phone number is a privilege , a sign of respect, don’t ass-u-me they have unlimited texting in their phone plan. And they shouldn’t have to sign up for it because you want to save time when doling out arbitrary greetings. The days of a phone being personal are long gone. Save the mass greetings for e-mail. All that said, I’m sick of getting texts like these…
- Happy Turkey Day all!!!!
I only eat turkey on odd numbered Mondays in July.
- Merry Christmas everybody!!
I don’t celebrate Christmas, and when I did I celebrated Kwanzaa. Must you alienate?
- May you all prosper and reach your goals and resolutions in 2010!!
Where was this good will in June of 2009 when I needed it? Why do I have to wait until January 1st to get a $0.15 cent good luck charm from you? Better yet, if you want to start going to the gym to lose weight, why not go in March? Fuck waiting for New Years.
Last year around this time, I informed everybody of my frustration with these God damn mass text messages. They’re like trite mass emails, but they cost money. OK, some of you have unlimited text messaging on your phones and can afford to waste a text to send a smiley face, an "LOL" or a "k" (may as well write the complete "OK" phrase and make it worth the money) to somebody, so this doesn’t apply to you. After being charged 15 cents to send and receive texts and getting a $24 and $14 bill for texts alone in December 2008 and December 2007, respectively, I was forced to get a 400 free text a month plan to save some money back in April, and thus far its been OK. But low and behold, between work -which I need texting for and which is why I cant take it completely off my plan- and people wasting my texts with an indirect "Happy Turkey Day!", I’m closing in on my 400 free texts and the cycle is 17 days away.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that evil. If you want to wish me a happy holiday then say "Yo Jay, Happy Holidays man" in the text. That’s fine and I appreciate the thought. Or pick up the God damn phone and call me. If you’re so hi tech, you must have a lot of minutes on your iphone or Googlaphone or whatever the fuck you call it. E-Mail me, it’s free! But this mass text message shit gotta stop, and I’m not even bullshittin. Especially in this economy. Between Thanksgiving and New Years, I can watch my (what I figured would be enough) 400 texts dwindle down the drain for disingenuous gestures that mean absolutely nothing, many times from people who got my number from some other rap personality without my permission. (Side note: if you ask me for my number and I look at you funny, I’m sizing you up to see if you’re the type to send mass texts. If I give you my e-mail instead, you know what time it is.) Half of these jokers are in the music business, so lets also factor in event invite texts to some janky open mic showcase in New Mexico. When I call them back to find out who the fuck they are and/or invoice them for my 15 cents (yes, I do this all the time), they don’t pick up the god damn phone! If all you do is text, what the fuck do you have a phone for? I anticipate going over my 400 text limit by about 47 texts in December, and I get charged the standard $0.15 a text when I pass 400, so lets do some arithmetic…
47 Text Messages @ $0.15 cents each = $7.05
About half of these texts are from people whose numbers aren’t saved in my phone, so I have to call them back to see who it is and cuss them out. 90% go to that robot voicemail message in which the bitch only tells you "222-403-0712 is not available", because the culprit is scared to put a personal greeting on the God damn outgoing message. 90% of these texts are during peak hours, so I get charged for approximately 22 one minute calls before 9PM trying to get reimbursed my 15 cents. I have 600 anytime and free nights and weekends on my plan. I usually use about 587 minutes in the winter months (I like to leave a lil room so I don’t get charged $1.25 per minute for going over 600). Therefore, I run a risk of going over my anytime minutes by about 5 minutes.
5 minutes @ $1.25 per minute = $6.25
Taxes and fees for the aforementioned activity are about $1.75
$7.05 + $6.25 + $1.75 = $15.05
That’s $15.05 spent for no God damn reason at all. Simply for having a cel phone and being a victim of pointless text dreck. They just pile up like L blocks in a game of Tetris when Christmas rolls around. If I up my plan, that’s another $10 a month…$120 for the year. $140 including taxes and surcharges. I can hear y’all talkin’ sh*t about me right now.
"Yo man J-Zone is mad cheap, he’s pitchin a bitch over $15."
OK, I’m cheap, so fuckin what? But that ain’t the God damn point. If you walked into White Castle and the cashier asked you for $15.05, but you didn’t ask to buy any food, would you just give it to him/her simply because you were in there? What about if you go to CVS and you want $15.05 worth of vitamins? Every human being should have vitamins, but your $15.05 went towards some impersonal text messages that you received against your will. Will you get those vitamins without the $15.05? Let that marinate for a second…and in the meantime here is a list of things I can do with $15.05…
- Get a shape-up (or a full haircut if I see my man Cool Ass Kev in Mt. Vernon) or get it box twisted…and have some bread left over for a new toothbrush…the good kind with the bristles that reach deep in the gums and massage them.
- Fill half my tank with Mobil 87 Regular gas (or 30% of it if I want to go big time and use 93 Super).
- Buy 2 frozen tuna steaks, a Mid East Feast, Trader Ming’s chicken spring rolls and a Clif Bar at Trader Joes. If the tuna steaks are relatively light, I can feed a parking meter too.
- A 6 pack of Adidas Moisture Wicking Athletic Crew Socks at Marshalls.
- The Fat Boys’ Disorderlies and Dolemite’s Avenging Disco Godfather on DVD (including shipping) at amazon.com
- 34 US postage stamps and still have $0.09 left.
Hopefully sending this message out early enough in the holiday season thwarts some of this text message crap and I can save some money and save you the impending headache of me bossing up on you when my bill arrives…a real surcharge from $ir Charge…because I swear on a stack of James Brown 45’s I’m not even kidding, I’m dead ass serious. If you strike on all 3 holidays, that’s $0.45. It may sound like I’m taking this too serious, but I’m not, this shit adds up. I have to trick out my phone as a defense against activity I don’t want. Technology is making people less and less likable by the day. E-mail me (it’s free!!!!), get at me personally or remove me off your text list because your tab is running.
Ho Ho Ho
J-Zone aka $ir Charge
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:33 am
Definitely one of my favorites… I have a tactic that works well in this kind of scenario.
1) Take out a pen and paper and write down each phone number from which you receive a mass text.
2) Wait until a month like February when you have a fresh billing cycle and 400 texts to blow.
3) Send a mass “Happy Groundhog Day!” text at 5:00 AM to the people on the list.
4) Assume it didn’t send, so re-send it to the same group. Make sure you write “FWD:” on the message before resending it.
5) Wait 5 minutes.
6) Send them another text saying, “Didn’t you get my Happy Groundhog Day text???”
7) Wait for responses.
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
Apparently when the numeral 8 precedes the “)” character, a smiley face occurs.
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:18 am
Keri you are a diabolical genius!
December 2nd, 2009 at 9:25 am
Keri I’m gonna do that…on Flag Day. And keep following up on fools. Or maybe on presidents day or some bullshit. “Be safe out there this holiday season”. Why don’t I get a be safe message every day when I get in my car? Staying home and watching Christmas Story is safer than trying to drive on the Southern State Parkway every night.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Yo J-Zone,
As a young gun, is the “Disorderlies” joint must-see?
December 2nd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
@ Cheesecake…man, Disorderlies I put in the same category as Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo and Tougher Than Leather. Movies that were panned by “keep it real” hip-hoppers, but the entertainment value and campy and dated quality of those flicks are as real as it gets. The Fat Boys > every relevant rapper in 2009.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Thanks, J. I forwarded this to ma’dukes and am hoping the wisdom you’ve imparted will inspire her to save enough to buy me a used copy off Amazon.
And speaking of DVDs, I was introduced to you a couple of years ago on that One Love high school b-ball highlight DVD. You kicked a rhyme about being better than both rappers who ball and ballers who rap . . . Haha.
Also, maybe you have enough mettle to get the “Breakin’ & Enterin’” DVD reissued.
I’ve only caught the Fat Boys’ first LP so far but dug it on serious levels. Going to have to peep the rest of their catalog, but I’ve been stuck on HWA’s “Az Much Azz Az U Want” and the Smooth Ice LP.
Another joint I’ve been feeling from around the same time period is Lonnie Love’s “Young Ladies” . . . Completely different vibe, but it always manages to get these suburban girls all hot and bothered when I play it in the ‘95 Chevy Blazer.
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Word. Smooth Ice’s album was hard! A lesser known Run-DMC production. Definitely cop that Disorderlies.
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:43 pm
“….and have some bread left over for a new toothbrush…the good kind with the bristles that reach deep in the gums and massage them”…. hahahahahahaa….. keep on tellin it Jay… respects!!!!!
December 3rd, 2009 at 6:35 am
J, at least your name doesn’t start with an a like mine…I get AT LEAST 10 accident calls a month by some herb accidently pocket pressing their phone and being I
the first name in their address book I get wasted minutes every month. I’ve called several back at 2am and rustled a paper bag against the phone for 15 seconds.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
this shit is the truth, so sick and tired of getting fucking random txts from people I dont even know like that, these are the same fuckers who call and dont leave a goddamn message to even let you know what they needed or who it is.
I dont even think half of these cats are really looking out for us like that, I always see it as more of a handout, on some “yo I know I dont talk to you any other time during the year, but the holidays are right around the corner and I wanna make sure you’re thinking of me so you can cop me a gift”
fuck that. Give me the gift of silence anyday.
p.s. anyone ever check out Peanut Butter Wolf’s Badd Santa Mix? homie kinda dug deep on that one lol. might dig that out of the collection and get it ready for some holiday rotation
December 7th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Yes yes! J I was wondering when you were gonna let off about the injustice of it all! Well, in the UK you can buy a cheap pay as you go SIM card with like 1000 free texts on it for about £5, so I got 2 phones, 1 for all that and one for proper talk… plus we don’t get charged at all to receive texts, that’s terrible! I could receive 10 million texts and it would cost me nothing! Still, enjoy the festivities, just compile a list of numbers that text you at annoying times and I’ll call them from the UK at 8am my time (3am yours) as I work for a telecom firm so I get free calls… payback’s a mutha!!!!!
March 12th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Thing is how many found Tim Dog humorous he felt that he was dark!! The line he used on Fuck Compton he used on the Choris line. I liked Tim Dog for what he brought to the table at that time hell West Coast was on a rise. Now lyrically he was on one of my best collabs ever with K.R.S. One Get Wreck they both killed it!!
May 2nd, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Yo Jay!
Where r you gone, man? Your posts were a lifesaver in my ex-facebook, twitterhater everydays. Reassured me that I’m not the only one driving in the opposite direction on the information superhighway. Budapest demands more on Metro fashion, superfical human relationships in urban bohemia,media bullshit and useless web applications. And, yeah, all the good things too, like record spots and Evil E.
You are our only hope.