CHRIS BROWN ON CNN (RANDOM THOUGHTS)
Look, it’s Papa Smurf getting ready to slang some bean pies! J-Zone weighs in with some random thoughts stemming from this Larry King episode.
There’s no crappier thing to see on TV than Chris Brown in a baby blue sweater and bow tie, looking like Papa Smurf getting ready to sell bean pies. If that wasn’t bad enough, he couldn’t face Larry King without his “Mama” and attorney in tow. He beat on a girl with no help, so why call up Moe & Curly like a punk when the pressure and cameras are on his ass? Watching this fiasco conjured up a lot of random thoughts, questions and points in my brain. Like why doesn’t Chris Brown shop at Burlington Coat Factory? He could snag a better outfit than that shit he had on for half the price he probably paid. Here are some of the others…
- SYRUP ON SHIT DOESN’T MAKE IT PANCAKES
It’s obvious that women see something in these clean cut, pretty boy, R&B, second-rate late 90’s made for BET movie role clown ass idiots. 95% of these “educated brother from the bank” lookin, modeling for the front of a razor bump cream container dudes do shit like this all the time any God damn way, but chicks fall for the look and the image hook, line and sinker every time. Ever since cornrows and the “thug look” went out of style, women all of a sudden only want their men “mature, clean cut and gettin their grown folk on”. Even the young girls. Herein lies the problem. Anybody can wear pastel colored sweaters, get some Luster’s Pink Oil Moisturizer and brush some waves into their hair, it’s not hard. Whatever it takes to get some ass, you can count on us as men to do it. I heard an older woman call Chris Brown "a fine young man" before all this shit went down, and it led me to wonder what drew her to that conclusion. Is it because he’s clean cut and makes R&B? That’s all the more reason to suspect his ass if you ask me. You can put hot sauce on bird shit, but it doesn’t make it catfish.
- NEVER TRUST AN R&B SINGER
People listen, and listen good. R&B singers have rappers beat in the triflin department by a country mile. NEVER trust an R&B singer begging for some tail on a song, he’s got issues. There are two things that us as men never, ever, ever, ever, ever REALLY want to do…
1. Dance (unless you’re a professional dancer)
2. Sing sappy and saccharine R&B songs about how much we need you.
No, no, no, no, no. Even if a guy can dance well and beg and plead for a woman’s heart like a chump with songs like this (God I hate that played out snare drum sound) , he’d much rather have her in a funny position with her draws hanging from a ceiling fan. To a certain extent, all men are dogs, fuck it. Arf. But 90% of the time, a silky smooth R&B singer is far worse than that dude working at the car wash that wanted her number but she told him to hop off a cliff.
True story: The most triflin womanizing dude I ever met was a falsetto singin devout Christian with an S-Curl flattop, a mama’s boy that had the “smooth and mature” Shawn on The Wayans Brothers shit pown pat. Grown ass career women would pay this guy’s car note, because he was as smooth as a medicine cabinet full of Soul Train Scrambleboard products. One day, 3 of his broads showed up at the studio at the same time, cold busted him. Man, he went ape shit like some pimp from a Donald Goines book, it was hilarious. I heard more "bitch" and "ho" come out of his mouth in 15 minutes than me, Too $hort and Suga Free have combined to utter over the course of the 42 albums between us. R&B dudes are straight goons playing the smooth role 90% of the time, period!
That’s why I respect 50 Cent, because at least his songs for the ladies explicitly say ‘Your head game is spectacular, and when I’m done I’m gonna bang your cousin too.’ All this Rico Suave wanna-be Babyface shit gotta go, it makes me feel like I’m watching one of those made-for-BET Shamar Moore movies. This is exactly why the only R&B singers I can recall respecting in recent memory were Jodeci and Aaron Hall. They advertised a Cutlass, and what you got was a Cutlass. R. Kelly was real too, but he had a thing for sniffing young girls’ bicycle seats and that didn’t sit too well with me…that‘s a whole other article.
Anyway, LL Cool J made “I Need Love” in 1987, and women ate that shit up like steak & eggs. Look, LL is (in my opinion) one of the top 3 greatest MC’s to ever live, but be real. After he brought the pimp couch on stage, pulled some young broad up there and sang that sappy “When I’m alone in my room sometimes I stare at the walls” shit, he went back stage and bent some tramp over a sink in his dressing room. Get all that Jet Magazine, Sportin Waves pomade Donny Simpson smooth shit outta here. I want to see an R&B singer put out a ballad called “I Wanna Nut All Over Your New Blouse (Call Your Sister Up)”. I want to see a female singer make a song about robbing her cheating boyfriend with a sawed off shot gun instead of being heartbroken. Then, maybe I‘d respect modern R&B more.
- TEXTBOOK REMORSE
In case you don’t know, "I wish that night never happened" translates in Bullshitese as "Please don’t allow this Rihanna beating to fuck up my ring tone downloads". Ol Papa Smurf would’ve done better to disappear for a year, then try to budge a comeback. Entertainers fuck up and get in trouble everyday, but the public has a short memory anyway. Celebrities in the hot seat devise the same exact patch-up operation every time …get “mama” to come along and start crying, join some activist group, do some half ass charity work, lecture kids to not do the same shit they did (and would continue to do if they hadn’t gotten busted) or find Jesus. Fuckouttahere. When Michael Vick got snatched for dog fighting, he went and cooperated with PETA, and that broke my fuckin heart into a million pieces. PETA or no PETA, the dude is a great quarterback and got a second chance REGARDLESS, so don’t blow smoke up my ass by taking a PETA test to cleanse your image. That shit is see-thru, you know damn well Mike doesn’t know or care who the fuck PETA is. My well documented dislike for PETA aside, I’m tired of entertainers fuckin up, then apologizing half-heartedly or folding like a fuckin beach chair when the pressure is on. Why apologize at all? You did it right? You saw the Rihanna photos, does that look like a freak accident? Can SOMEBODY avoid the textbook route for once and have little to no remorse, like "yeah muthafucka, I got pissed off and did the shit, it was a bad decision but I’ve moved on, your point?" Nobody had any remorse until they got busted, so you can’t sit up here and tell me Pac-Man Jones, Michael Vick, (Oregon football player) LeGarrette Blount, Chris Brown and any other star that fucked up were all 100% freak accidents. That choreographed public reform cop out shit needs to be banished. People up here talking about the kids…yeah, whatever, they’re not as stupid as you think. They can see through half assed face-saving attempts orchestrated by lawyers, angry activist groups and publicists. If I’m 15 years old and I see one of my "idols" fuck up royally, only to come on TV with "Mama" (and lawyer) and apologize, find Jesus or do PSA’s about drunk driving then be let off the hook…it’s telling me that money + fame + a blowing little smoke up the ass=immunity in America. Realistically, it does.
- CELEBRITIES GET WAY TOO MUCH SYMPATHY
If your next door neighbor who works at Target got caught up doing hard drugs, beat his girl to a pulp or got sent to the slammer, he’d get no sympathy at all from the world at large. He could’ve pulled a baby out of a burning building at some point in his life, but it wouldn’t make a difference, he’s still scum to the average person. But if you’re a famous entertainer, all of a sudden you become a martyr or a victim of the ills of society. In America, a song people like or a great touchdown pass makes the fact that you fucked up null and void. You’ll get sympathy and support in Facebook statuses worldwide, and an 8XL t-shirt with your picture hot ironed onto it. Case in point, I just heard someone say "Max B, keep your chin up homie" after he got 75 years in prison for a laundry list of charges, including murder, kidnapping and armed robbery. What? Fuckouttahere. I’ll save my sympathy for a 14 year old kid I know who has brain cancer or Jose Luis Olivares -the man who drowned saving his wife and kid at Rockaway Beach this summer- not some celebrity who fucks up 21 times and just happens to crap out on the 22nd. This country is a joke, partly because we put people on a pedistal even moreso after they fuck up, and in reality they’re no better than the dudes that mow our lawns.
- LEAVE "MAMA" and RELIGION OUT OF IT
There’s two things the public have a weakness for…“Mama” and religion. Entertainers all fuck up, then call “Mama” or go bothering Jesus when their image goes splat. Because they know “Mama” by their side is always a tear jerker and everybody is frightened to death about not going to heaven. Let "Mama" go back to watching Oprah and let Jesus go back to helping the needy and watching Barnaby Jones re-runs. When you fuck up, be a man and own up to it by yourself jack ass, or for once, have the balls to say “yeah I did what I did muthafucka, and I’ll do the shit again if you ask me to.” Everybody makes mistakes, but a good amount of these celebrity mistakes are ongoing and would’ve continued had these fools never been caught, so fuck all that remorse. Not saying to go on TV and brag about these mistakes, but I’m tired of reading the same damn script everytime, like I’m supposed to believe all that crap.
September 8th, 2009 at 8:50 am
His mom looked so proud of him! She is just as ignorant as him in her AJ Wright “church girls” outfit. The bottom line is people are so miserable in their lives that they look to these people for inspiration and when they make the same mistakes as your neighbor in 3c, people flip and look for reasons, or in some cases suspects, because their heroes can’t self destruct. Sad. I see it every day, when people find out I had cancer twice and had a stem-cell transplant, they always hit me with a bunch of questions to ease their mind like “did you smoke dust”, “is it in your family” trying to find dirt in my past that caused this. We all look for the boogie-man, but the bottom line is we are all human and subjected to illness, abuse, and often self destructive behavior… The media has us looking for reasons and clues for every bad situation, sometimes there is no one thing or person to blame.
September 8th, 2009 at 9:11 am
While I agree mostly, there is something to be said about the brothers that actually mean the R&B songs they use to represent them. These are few and far between and, more often than not, the aforementioned man working at the car wash. Or he’s someone else you couldn’t see yourself dating. I enjoy your points and agree that most guys behave like shit and, often, it’s because it’s how they’re taught to behave.
I’m raising a White teen-aged boy and a Mixed (Black and White) 5 year-old girl in the country along with my husband. We point out these celebrities and make examples of them. We are closely connected with people who have been victims of heinous crimes and people who have been wrongfully accused of heinous crimes. The message is, it’s ok to admire talent and express that admiration. But talent, perceived or otherwise, is NOT an excuse for certain behavior. My children learn love, respect, martial arts, and how to properly use firearms.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:12 am
First off, giant co-sign on that snare man…shit is SOOO played. What’s worse though is I do like that song. We’re all entitled to our unpopular opinons though right, haha.
Secondly, great post and great points as usual. I can’t stand the pedestals we put celebrities on in general simply because it’s like they transform into these otherwordly beings incapable of normal human fuck-ups. THEN when they do fuck up we love them even more because we dont feel so detached from their status anymore. BS…
just tell ‘em she was being a turboskank and snuck you while you were driving…haha. My mom and my aunt’s especially would SOOO tell me to say that. America loves the redepmtion story way too much.
Smooth dudes are indeed the devil man, any smart parents know that shit. He’s smashing that on average a good month or so before Joe Schmoe Thug even hits second base…all day, hahah.
As much as I cant stand some of that “booty this, freak me baybay” stuff I have to agree on Jodeci, Aaron Hall(R. Kelly owes that cat some royalties son) ect., they atleast made their intentions well known from jump, gotta love that.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I forgot about Adina Howard. She was so ho-ish, but she was real as fuck.
September 9th, 2009 at 6:42 am
I just realized the “how to properly use firearms” part. Wow! That’s serious!
September 9th, 2009 at 8:00 am
J,
well put as always.
I just want to shed some light on ONE thing in regard to “Celebs get more sympathy”.
Celebs go on sympathy media campaigns funded by themselves with assistance from the folks making money off them. Sadly, they win most every time by BRUTE FORCE alone. See: most R & B Music.
Chris Brown -without question- has become a metaphor for the fantasies that have fueled R & B music for years. Sadly, that includes some of the soul music from the 60’s and 70’s we both love. The R & B myth continues…like most…for one reason and one reason alone.
Brute Force.
September 9th, 2009 at 10:38 am
I see what you’re sayin Joe. My point was…if an entertainer dies or gets locked up or arrested for some shit they weren’t supposed to be doing and they knew that…then you say something about it or show no remorse, then you’re insensitive, disrespectful and wrong. If that was your plumber, nobody would give a shit. I know that’s just how it goes when you’re a star, I was just pitchin a bitch, haha. And you’re right, the classic singers of Motown, etc. were all the same damn way, but at least they had a song or two about something else besides lovin some broad with all their heart. That stinks…
September 9th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
there’s definitely a two way street when it comes to “justice” being served to entertainers, athletes and the rich in general and us regular folk….
you ask me though, people can’t and shouldn’t be too surprised…Been like this forever and prolly ain’t changing anytime soon…
and Zone is def. right about dudes frontin’ to get they swirve on…actin’ all brand new and squeaky clean to have that “nice guy” image, when in reality they the same as teh rest of us–either a straight up scoundrel or a decent guy…either way the over-compensating is laughable…these kids don’t even know why they’re dressing like quasi-gay men in their mid 40’s….they just do it cause they see guys like Fonzworth Bently doin’ it…
now don’t get me wrong I love R&B, but the crap that Chris Brown does and what I grew up slow grinding to at many a formal and informal dance/party is mos def. not the same thing…say word!
September 10th, 2009 at 3:14 am
J, Chris Brown is an exception, he found Dr. C. Dexter Wise III,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzfmY4kfxr8
I hope they make a collabo!
September 10th, 2009 at 5:52 am
@ Funk…How did I never see this Rappin Reverend clip? I think I may make a post just about this song alone. I nearly spit out my food when dude comes in rappin, hahaha.
September 11th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Shit, having almost 100 million visits on youtube means that even motherfuckin masais in Kenya watched that shit.
What bothered me the most was when I heard Nas callin this guy the new Michael Jackson on his untitled album (that album deserves a dissertation on that unpopular opinions section, I truly believe it’s straight up fire).
About the r&b thing, I would say he’s more a cheesy pop singer, but anyway, what about d’Angelo? I think this dude has taken r&b to that spot away from corny ass love (fuck a love man!). Nah, but seriously, I don’t really care about most neo-soul shit but when I first listened to Shit, Damn, Motherfucker I shat on my pants man. D’Angelo is off the hook.
February 19th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
“Everybody makes mistakes, but a good amount of these celebrity mistakes are ongoing and would’ve continued had these fools never been caught, so fuck all that remorse. Not saying to go on TV and brag about these mistakes, but I’m tired of reading the same damn script everytime, like I’m supposed to believe all that crap.”
In light of the whole Tiger Woods shit, I just had to read this again. Everything you said here can be linked to him, too.
February 28th, 2010 at 7:13 am
@ Phil…yeah, my uncle Calvin got busted cheating on his woman once. And he didn’t get no damn televised press conference. Tiger is arthritic…apologizing and going into rehab for getting some trim. Weak. That’s so backwards I don’t even know where to start. Should’ve never gotten married, he’s Tiger fuckin Woods, what for? Get em Elin, get all that money. A simp with a 9 iron deserves to get got.