J-ZONE’S NBA TRASH TALK: THE MAGIC BLEW IT, I HATE THE NBA, MY LAST NBA TRASH TALK COLUMN EVER*
* Unless I wanna go off about something at random. Otherwise, this is the end of an “era”, haha.
Ever wonder what they were discussing when Fisher hit that three? Read to find out, I know these things.
What a joke. I said Magic in 6, and I don’t regret making that prediction. They had every opportunity, and they flat out blew it. Was some of the officiating off? That’s a given, but with that being said, you can’t even blame the refs here, the Magic just stunk. Inexperience, nerves, the worst coaching job I’ve seen this year from somebody not named Mike Brown and a defensive sequence that looked more like Jameer Nelson nervously attempting to ask Derek Fisher out on a date than contesting a three pointer. Anybody seen Dwight Howard lately? He mailed it in like a rebate was coming. I can’t even give you all of the specifics from game 5, as I was too busy watching the That’s My Mama Mother’s Day marathon that I VHS taped last month after that second quarter self-prostitution by the Magic. So don’t harp on me about some no-call on Kobe in the third quarter when the Magic had already blown a lead and were down by 11 points. The Magic lost fair and square.
GAME 1
Pure nerves. The Lakers had been here, the Magic hadn’t. The home crowd helped and punk ass Jack Nicholson always is such an intimidating presence to have in the stands. He’s more demonic than Spike Lee ever was in NY, that guy scares me. Jameer Nelson would be a good added spark, but after a good start he proves late in the game he ain’t ready. Where are Anthony Johnson and Rafer Alston, the two guards that got you here while Nelson was in a Brooks Brothers on the sideline? Howard is forcing the issue, a mile off from Game 6 vs. the Cavs. Ah, all good, its only one game. The Magic will redeem themselves in Game 2 right?
GAME 2
Wrong. Man they had this game won. Where’s Rafer “Skip“ Alston? On the bench. Anthony Johnson would’ve gotten more calorie burn at Epcot Center selling hot dogs. What the fuck is this greasy used Fiat salesman by day and porno director by night lookin Stan Van Gundy doing? Can’t coach worth shit. Jameer misses 2 free throws in a row. I expect that from Marcin Gortat - who had done that moments prior- not a guard who should be no lower than 80% from the stripe. Late in the game…Jameer, JJ Redick and Courtney Lee on the floor. Rashard and Hedo are ballin their asses off, but it’s all for nothing. Lee has a chance to win it and blows a lay-up. Fuck the supposed no call on a foul, he should’ve made that. I like Lee, but Skip would’ve made that. Nerves. They imploded in OT. Lay-ups and free throws. Kid shit. 0-2
GAME 3
The Magic shoot an NBA Finals best 63 % from the field. Who’s back in the game? Skip Alston. Surprise? No. I wouldn’t let Van Gundy pump my gas at a full service station, let alone coach my team. Magic avoided a sweep, but I knew they would blow the damn series at this point. Nerves.
GAME 4
Of course the Magic blow a 12 point lead in the second half, what else do you expect? Kobe & Ariza out there playing HORSE and nobody has a fuckin hand up. Van Gundy aka Colonel Panic pulls Skip. That right there was the difference between Phil Jackson and Van Gundy and the pivotal moment of the series. Everybody knew the Magic were in panic mode with that move. Jameer Nelson should’ve been nothing more than an energy guy, which in effect was the role Skip wound up playing. Three months in a suit, and you throw Nelson back in for the do or die quarter of a do or die game in the NBA Finals. This Ron Jeremy lookin’ ass Van Gundy…I swear, Patrick Ewing better be the damn head coach next year. Even go down to Disney World and go get Dumbo, Goofy or Donald Duck or something. Magic go up at the end, the game is close, Lakers down three, 15 seconds left. Yo Ron Jeremy, WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Nelson in the game? Hey Dickhead, you know the Lakers need a three. Go long so you can guard the three. No. Nelson is still in the game and guarding Derek Fisher. NEWSFLASH: DEREK FISHER IS 67 YEARS OLD, HE WILL NOT BEAT YOU OFF THE DRIBBLE, IT’S NOT 1998. BUT DEREK FISHER IS THE MODERN DAY ROBERT HORRY, AN OLD MAN WITH BIG GAME EXPERIENCE THAT WILL NO DOUBT BURY YOUR ASS WITH A BIG SHOT. What does Nelson do, get in his jock right? No, he guards him INSIDE the three point line and gave him all the space in the world to prevent the drive. At this point, I broke my remote when I threw it at the wall (it was already messed up anyway, and they only cost $5 at Time Warner Cable offices, it’s a cost of doing business). This is just nauseating. Let’s imagine that conversation between Nelson and Fisher as he brings the ball up to shoot that three…
Jameer: Yo Derek man, I’ve been thinking…Let’s go on a date man. We can cruise down the 405 and look at the sunset together, talk point guard strategies and share a Jack-N-The Box milkshake. Strawberry to be exact. How’s that sound?
Derek: Yo shorty I’m tryin to win this game, back up off me and give me room, I gotta shoot this three.
Jameer: Aw, Derek, don’t be such a curmudgeon. You’re always thinking win win win. What about us? I really think we’d be a perfect match, straight out of e-harmony. Can I at least have a shot?
Derek: The fuck are you talkin about?
Jameer: I want a shot with you man, let’s go on a date.
Derek: OK, OK. I’ll give you a shot if you give me a shot, a jump shot, this three pointer to be exact.
Jameer: Really?!?!?!
Derek: Really.
Jameer: Awww, OK, I’ll get inside the three point line and let you shoot it, but you owe me a night on the town.
Derek: Iight, cool.
BANG!!! Three ball. OT, where the Magic failed 2 games ago. Fuckouttahere with that bullshit. I’m a Jameer Nelson fan, but he wasn’t ready to play those minutes, and Van Gundy should’ve known that had he not been directing porno flicks. There was a no call on a Kobe elbow and on a Redick head fake in this game, but it’s all null and void. Howard straight choked in the clutch…this is painful to watch. Hedo missed a pair at the line too. The Magic look as scared as the punk ass Cavs did against them. Pietrus shows a pulse with a 1990-esque flagrant on Gasol, but now its all frustration. The Magic blew this shit on their own, don’t give me that shit about the refs.
GAME 5
I was watching that episode of That’s My Mama when cousin Albert was selling weed and buying gator shoes with the money and Big Mama caught him. Oh, yea, right, Game 5. The Magic blew a lead (surprise) in the second quarter behind Ariza out there looking like Jordan for a 16-0 run. After that, I pressed play on the VCR.
OK, the Lakers won, I ate my words. But I still say the Magic were the better team all around. But they’re inexperienced, nervous and were poorly coached in this series. They blew it, and I won’t even bring up the officiating as an excuse. Gave 4 was a prime example. They were given that game and still blew it, fair and square. I still ain’t givin the Lakers any credit, because I’m hardheaded and from New York. But you have to be a fool to think Kobe isn’t the best in the NBA. That LeBron talk is years away, so don’t even start. And amidst all of this, the Kobe-LeBron commercials are still running. That’s Ol Turkey Neck (David Stern) already planning for next year. LeBron shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar during the finals because he‘s on a fishing boat catching trout, I hate this shit. Nobody’s fuckin with Kobe, love him or hate him. Period. Oh well, its back to high school ball I go…and this will likely be the final installment of Trash Talk. I just don’t keep up with the NBA enough to be informed, and I have more fun just snapping on things/airing out beefs than actually talking NBA fact. I can’t even tell you who the refs were in Game 5. That said, it’s time to move on. It’s been a fun 7 year run…and I’ll still post something when I’m itching to air somebody/something out, but I don‘t follow the ins and outs of the NBA anymore. I just wanna talk trash on things that aren’t supported by fact or hoop knowledge, so that‘s all I will do. The season ended with one positive…at least we don’t have to hear “So Amazing” anymore, that song was musical diarrhea. Bring on tennis season!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:09 am
Neat story=) Will come back again=D
July 20th, 2009 at 1:55 am
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August 3rd, 2009 at 5:29 am
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September 10th, 2009 at 1:01 am
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